Monday, December 19, 2011

Reality Bowls: Real Names to Make Sense of All Those Bowl Games

Well, it's Bowl Season again. For college football fans this is sort of like an extended and tedious Christmas. More than half of the teams in big time college football play in the "post season," and yet a playoff is deemed too cumbersome. I'm missing something.

And what of all those bowl games and their ridiculous names? The Gator Bowl? The San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl? Call me old fashioned, but the rampant commercialism of every single bowl makes for a frustrating mouthful and tells me nothing about the game or where it ranks in the hierarchy of the college football post season. The bowl season has gotten so out of hand, ECU is selling tickets to their fans to a bowl that doesn't even exist.

I offer the following alternative names to demystify the 2011-2012 Bowl schedule.

Gildan New Mexico Bowl - Wyoming vs. Temple: The Watch Temple Rush the Ball 51 Times Bowl...or put up Christmas lights. Either way

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl - Ohio vs. Utah State: The Brian Griese Wonders How the Hell He Wound Up Broadcasting a Bowl Game Named After a Tuber Bowl

R & L Carriers New Orleans Bowl - San Diego State vs. Louisiana - Lafayette: The I Wonder How Many Ragin' Cajun Fans Spent the Night in New Orleans Jails/Gutters After the Game Bowl

Beef O' Brady's St. Petersburg Bowl - Florida International vs. Marshall: The Beef O' Brady's is Big Enough to Host a Bowl?! Bowl

San Diego County Credit Union Poinsettia Bowl - TCU vs. Louisiana Tech: The Fun Drinking Game: How Many Times Will Gary Patterson Lose His Shit Bowl

MAACO Bowl Las Vegas - Boise State vs. Arizona State: The Thank God We Don't Have to Listen to Boise State Plead Their National Championship Game Case Again Bowl

Sheraton Hawaii Bowl - Southern Mississippi vs. Nevada: The The Bowl System is So Screwed Up, Southern Miss Cost Themselves Millions of Dollars by Beating Houston But at Least They Get to Go to Hawaii Bowl

AdvoCare V100 Independence Bowl - North Carolina vs. Missouri: The Tar Heels and Tigers Players Will Be Pissing Bright Orange For Two Weeks After This Game From All of the V100 That is Foisted Upon Them Bowl

Little Caesars Pizza Bowl - Purdue vs. Western Michigan: The Is Anyone Really Going to Watch This And Also, Does Anyone Still Eat Little Caesars Pizza Bowl

Belk Bowl - North Carolina State vs. Louisville: The Can You Believe the Big East Gets an Automatic BCS Invitation Bowl

Military Bowl - Toledo vs. Air Force: The Military? Toledo Rockets? Close Enough. Bowl

Bridgepoint Education Holiday Bowl - California vs. Texas: The This is Actually Worth Watching Bowl

Champs Sports Bowl - Florida State vs. Notre Dame: The Remember When This Might Have Been For the National Championship Bowl

Valero Alamo Bowl - Baylor vs. Washington: The 1,000 Yards of Offense...Maybe Just From RG3 Bowl

Bell Helicopter Armed Forces Bowl - BYU vs. Tulsa: The Name "Military Bowl" Was Already Taken Bowl

New Era Pinstripe Bowl - Iowa State vs. Rutgers: The Meh Bowl

Franklin American Mortgage Music City Bowl - Wake Forest vs. Mississippi State: The do We Have to Say the Sponsor's Full Name Every Time Bowl

Insight Bowl - Iowa vs. Oklahoma: The How the Hell Did Oklahoma Wind Up in the Insight Bowl Bowl

Meineke Car Care of Texas Bowl - Northwestern vs. Texas A&M: The Remember When People Were Saying A&M Might Win the Big XII This Year Bowl

Hyundai Sun Bowl - Georgia Tech vs. Utah: The Congratulations You Were Decent Enough to Make it to a Bowl Game, Here Are Your Tickets to El Paso, TX, Don't Look Too Excited Bowl

AutoZone Liberty Bowl - Cincinnati vs. Vanderbilt: The I Bet Jay Cutler is Such an Asshole He Doesn't Even Watch This Bowl

Kraft Fight Hunger Bowl - Illinois vs. UCLA: The UCLA has Two Different Coaching Staffs Right Now, Everyone Watch This Train Wreck Bowl

Chick-fil-A Bowl - Virginia vs. Auburn: The Antebellum Bowl

TicketCity Bowl - Penn State vs. Houston: The Penn State is Going to Take it State Should Win This Bowl Bowl

Outback Bowl - Michigan State vs. Georgia: The This Should Really Be a BCS Bowl Bowl

Capital One Bowl - Nebraska vs. South Carolina: The Those Damned 'What's In Your Wallet' Commercials Are Going to Get Stuck in Your Head Bowl Gator Bowl - Ohio State vs. Florida: The Tebow and Pryor Eras Seem Like a Long Time Ago Bowl

Rose Bowl - Wisconsin vs. Oregon: The Admit it, You're Just Really Pumped to See What Ridiculous Uniforms Oregon Wears Bowl

Tostitos Fiesta Bowl - Oklahoma State vs. Stanford: The Best Reason For At Least a Plus One Format Bowl

Allstate Sugar Bowl - Michigan vs. Virginia Tech: The It's a Tuesday. Decent Matchup. Guess I'll Watch it Bowl

Discover Orange Bowl - Clemson vs. West Virginia: The Reason Number 5,436 Why the BCS is Fucked Bowl

AT&T Cotton Bowl Classic - Kansas State vs. Arkansas: The Whoa, Whoa, Whoa, Pump the Brakes, AT&T. Let's Not Call it a 'Classic' Just Yet Bowl

BBVA Compass Bowl - Pittsburgh vs. SMU: The There's a Bowl Game On?! My Christmas Decorations Are Already Put Away Bowl Bowl - Northern Illinois vs. Arkansas State: The The Only People Watching This Are Pervs Who DVR'ed it to Get to the Commercials Bowl

Allstate BCS National Championship Game - LSU vs. Alabama: The For The Love of Christ, Please Score a Touchdown This Time and How Can You Play in the National Championship Game When You've Already Lost to the Team You're Playing and Why is the BCS Such a Perennial Cluster and We Get it, the SEC is a Really Good Football Conference, But This is Getting Ridiculous and ESPN Has Done All it Can to Fool You into Thinking This is Going to be a Great Game, I Hope They're Not Wrong and Can Someone Just Please Blow up the BCS Death Star so We Can Stop the Madness Bowl


Barfly said...

This really is a cool site. Normally, I would be so all in to this, but you see, I am a Tennessee Vol fan, so it's depressing as hell now. Great post though.

Kenozebi said...

Did anyone else immediately think of the old Saturday Night Live skit: "Call me an Old-fashioned kind of guy, but I believe in the one true God. His Name is Zarkon. He lives in the lake." and "Call me an old fashioned guy, but I believe fire is magic, and it scares me".

I can't hear the words call me old fashioned without thinking of it. I think I was 12 at the time and it was hilarious to me.

Pancho said...

Barfly, thanks! I know the blog is kind of all over the map with concern to subject matter, but hopefully there's something for everyone. Sorry about your Vols, but not too sorry. I'm a Baylor grad. I know college football pain like you can't imagine.

Obi-Wan, great skit. Still hilarious. Personally, I was a bigger fan of Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer. Use one of his defenses the next time you're in court. I'm giving you pearls here!