Wednesday, November 21, 2007


An actual phone conversation and reason #538 why I love my friends:

Me: Hey, duder! What's up?

B: Oh, hey guy! What's the good word?

Me: Not a lot. How's the lawyerin' going?

B: You know. Ups and downs. Pretty good.

Me: So, what's your record these days?

B: I'm 5-2...but those two losses are bullshit!

Me: What happened?!

B: Oh, I get all of the crap cases 'cause I'm the new guy. I maintain the cases were unwinnable.

Me: Well what happened?

B: So, in the first loss, my boss comes up to me and tells me - before handing me the case, mind you - that if I can get the jury to deliberate for more than 30 minutes he'll buy all my drinks the next night.

Me: Yeah.

B: So I read over the case - and for the record, whoever accepted this case for the firm is a douchebag - and my client is suing because he walked into a grocery store and selected six of store's finest steaks ---

Me: Wait, what kind of steak?

B: Rib-eye.

Me: That's a great steak!

B: Oh, it's the king of steaks! So anyway, he selects six of their finest rib-eyes and then stuffs them down his pants and sprints out the store.

Me: No!

B: Yes. So, Steak-In-The-Pants makes it to the parking lot where the store manager catches him and "reacquires" the rib-eyes after a confrontation.

Me: They fought?

B: Oh, Steak-In-The-Pants got the shit beat outta him.

Me: Wow. What'd they do with the steaks?

B: No idea what happened to the steaks. Probably marked down.

Me: Coulda been a good deal. Surely they weren't in his pants for more than a minute or two.

B: I woulda eaten 'em.

Me: I feel like if you're the type of guy to knock over a grocery store, you should know how to fight.

B: Well, have you ever fought with six steaks in your pants? That's gotta be a distinct disadvantage.

Me: True. And rib-eyes no less. Were they bone-in?

B: No idea. I hope not. That's too good a steak to ruin in some guys pants.

Me: So you lost that one?

B: Absolutely.

Me: How long did the jury deliberate?

B: [very self-satisfied] Hour-and-a-half.