An actual phone conversation and reason #538 why I love my friends:
Me: Hey, duder! What's up?
B: Oh, hey guy! What's the good word?
Me: Not a lot. How's the lawyerin' going?
B: You know. Ups and downs. Pretty good.
Me: So, what's your record these days?
B: I'm 5-2...but those two losses are bullshit!
Me: What happened?!
B: Oh, I get all of the crap cases 'cause I'm the new guy. I maintain the cases were unwinnable.
Me: Well what happened?
B: So, in the first loss, my boss comes up to me and tells me - before handing me the case, mind you - that if I can get the jury to deliberate for more than 30 minutes he'll buy all my drinks the next night.
B: So I read over the case - and for the record, whoever accepted this case for the firm is a douchebag - and my client is suing because he walked into a grocery store and selected six of store's finest steaks ---
Me: Wait, what kind of steak?
Me: That's a great steak!
B: Oh, it's the king of steaks! So anyway, he selects six of their finest rib-eyes and then stuffs them down his pants and sprints out the store.
B: Yes. So, Steak-In-The-Pants makes it to the parking lot where the store manager catches him and "reacquires" the rib-eyes after a confrontation.
Me: They fought?
B: Oh, Steak-In-The-Pants got the shit beat outta him.
Me: Wow. What'd they do with the steaks?
B: No idea what happened to the steaks. Probably marked down.
Me: Coulda been a good deal. Surely they weren't in his pants for more than a minute or two.
B: I woulda eaten 'em.
Me: I feel like if you're the type of guy to knock over a grocery store, you should know how to fight.
B: Well, have you ever fought with six steaks in your pants? That's gotta be a distinct disadvantage.
Me: True. And rib-eyes no less. Were they bone-in?
B: No idea. I hope not. That's too good a steak to ruin in some guys pants.
Me: So you lost that one?
Me: How long did the jury deliberate?
B: [very self-satisfied] Hour-and-a-half.