Friday, January 13, 2012

@&#!

Winter has officially gotten the memo. For the last week and a half or so, Indianapolis residents have been largely muted on discussions of the weather, perhaps afraid that the mere mention of the unseasonably gorgeous days would jinx it for everyone and we'd wake up one morning to find that outdoor January runs in shorts and golden sunshine really were too good to be true.

No one has to worry about jinxing it for anyone else now.

It is cold. Like Yeti cold. Like Moscow cold. I am not man enough for this cold. Few are. It's so cold, I just wrote and deleted four sentences trying to describe the utter coldness of things at the present moment because nothing seemed to make sense. It's that cold. It's so cold I can't even describe it cleverly. My mind is cold. That's freakin' cold.

It's -2 degrees right now. Fuck! And then there's the wind chill. It's ridiculous to have wind on a day like this. -2 degrees becomes -20 degrees. Blown snow shoots up your pants legs. It's like a menthol enema. It's like you're own personal snow globe, but NOT FUCKING CUTE. Only places like North Korea should be this cold. This is evil cold. Human Rights Watch should document cold when it gets to this level. Kim Jong Il should be blamed for this cold. I keep expecting to look up and see a flock of those flying monkeys from the Wizard of Oz. It's so cold, that would make perfect sense. It's so cold I wish Han Solo would slice open a Tauntaun and stuff me inside. I would not mind the smell.

Did I mention it's -2 degrees right now? Christ on a bike that's freakin' cold! I bet if I took a piss outside right now, my urine would freeze in a gentle, yellow arc before it even hit the ground. I wouldn't even have to shake, I would just snap off the frozen pee arc from my business and be about my merry way. Actually, strike that. It's too cold for that. I could not expose myself to this kind of cold. That would be like getting a handjob from a polar bear. Cold. Painful. Did I mention cold? 

Not this kind of cold...
This kind of cold.


The freezer in your house is warmer inside than it is here right now. I want to sit in your freezer. I would wear swimming shorts and flip flops and make furniture from bags of frozen vegetables and packages of frozen chicken breasts. Do not question me on matters of scale. It's so cold my mind is not working right. We've discussed this. I would play your ice cream containers like bongos. I would have friends over to your freezer and talk about how wonderful the weather inside your freezer is. Oh, the fun we would have!

It's so cold Superman's Fortress of Solitude looks like the Maui Westin. It's so cold Vikings would put off pillaging, plundering, and raping...maybe not raping. I mean, they were Vikings. But they would take no joy in it. They would just do it for warmth. It's so cold that scene in Titanic when Leo has frozen to death and Kate has little bits of ice in her hair? That scene? It's so cold THAT scene looks like a warm scene. Positively tropical!

-2 degrees. Fuck.

10 comments:

Airam said...

This was too funny!

Rachel said...

Today it was a balmy 59 degrees. An orange tree bobbed heavy with fruit across the street, and I sat outside with a cup of hot tea and an "everything" bagel (though with slightly less "everything" than I'm accustomed to, thus necessitating a trip to the spice rack using cream cheese as adhesive), absorbing sun and listening to the faint echoes of Baptists inside their God-mall over my back fence. The only drawback? The air smelled faintly of poo and less faintly of urine from the nearby Cowschwitz. Trade offs.

By the way, in my freezer, you would be lounging on the frozen/thawed/refrozen/rethawed bag of peas I've been using for icing snowboarding injuries.

K said...

I could live the rest of my life without ever, ever, ever reading the phrase "snapping off a frozen pee arc" (or something of that approximation) ever again. >:P

Pancho said...

I thought surely sexual stimulation from an endangered species would be the offending subject matter.....or, hello..rape?! Katie, your sensibilities are all out of whack. And Big Sis, screw you for living in California. I mean that. Jerkface.

K said...

Sorry, but my hypervisual mind was too busy trying to cleanse itself of the idea of "frozen pee arcs" to focus very clearly on the polar bear handjobs and Viking sexual assaults. I am Katie's Offended Protestant Sensibilities. Better?

Also? I should probably stop complaining about the "cold" weather here in H-town (54 degrees and drizzly), but...I'm not. Brrrr.

Also also? I hate that Blogger won't stop associating me with my old-ass blog that has since moved. Dammit.

Laurie said...

Frozen Urine. Fancy.

Jenn Cali Style said...

Soooooo funny! I can't even fathom that level of cold. I'm having a hard enough time wrapping my mind around the 19* the other day.

moncler jassen said...

I see upon Google's blog, your website may be very exciting to jot down, I really similar to this blog, appreciate it to share! I wish every body the most effective!

mbt zapatos said...

I see upon Google's blog, your blog could be very exciting to write, I really such as this blog, thanks a lot reveal! I wish you all the best!

Petite pastèque said...

Plenty of frozen urine where I live. It's -17 today (without the wind chill). Peeing outside now could mean amputation later.