Friday, January 27, 2012

Newt Gingrich Has Lost His Shit: An Open Letter to Newt Gingrich


Do you mind if I call you Newt? I've never known a Newt. As I kid I had a tree frog, turtles, dogs, and even a tarantula, but never a newt, much less a Newt. It's quite the diminutive.  I have to say though, maybe you should have stuck with Newton or even rocked Leroy once you kind of figured out you may want to go into politics. Plenty of people go by their middle names (I do!) and Newt just strikes me as a little unpresidential. Like Cooter or Hambone or Catfish. Enough about the name; you're played the cards you're dealt, right?

What I want to know is this: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS MOON COLONY BULLSHIT?!?! A moon colony? Really, Newt? Really? What is going on with the GOP? You guys are in a race for the Republican nomination, not a race to see who can be the most unelectable. Rick Perry is a crazy, Christian fundamentalist with an affinity for Carhartt jackets, incredibly well coiffed hair, and epic verbal bumbles. Michele Bachmann is a sharp-faced homophobe (in spite of the fact that she seems to be married to a confirmed bachelor) who simultaneously manages to misspell both her first and last names. Herman Cain is a pizza baron (a pizza baron?) who apparently likes to give his female customers a little extra pepperoni even when they say "Please, no pepperoni, Mr. Cain." Mitt Romney is a Mormon cyborg who is incredibly successful in the business of ruining lives. And Ron Paul, well, he sometimes makes sense, which precludes him from ever doing anything meaningful in Washington.

Newt, you were back in the game! Granted, that game is a game of Who Wants To Lose To Obama Next November, but at least you were in the conversation after an epically slow start off the blocks. And now this? A moon colony? Were all your staffers just sitting around before the Florida primary out of ideas and frustrated and someone said, "Fuck it, let's watch Total Recall"?

Ground control to Newt Gingrich. Take your protein pills and put your helmet on.
Listen, I'm all for setting a lofty goal to galvanize the nation in the face of stark challenges, but Kennedy's "Land a man on the moon" this is not. We were in the throes of The Cold War and an epic pissing contest with the Soviets. There was a race to be won. The Taliban doesn't even believe in toothpaste, much less space travel and I'm pretty sure John Q. Public would rather find a way to keep his house here on earth than have you fund a program to build him one on THE FUCKING MOON! The moon?!?

This has been like watching a bunch of special needs high school kids run for class office. You guys might as well promise to put Dr. Pepper in all of the nation's drinking fountains or cut the workday by two hours every Friday for a nationwide pep rally.

Seriously, Newt. Stop playing. You guys are all joking around, right? This is like a massive hidden camera show and the entire US populace is the mark, right? That has to be it. You guys are going to put Jon Stewart, Stephen Colbert, and Saturday Night Live out of business because the Republican debates are more hilarious than anything Comedy Central or SNL writers could come up with. Is that the angle? Shoot me straight. You guys are just ceding this election to Obama in a bid to run the lampooners out of business and pave the way for a Republican win in 2016, right?



I feel like Will Ferrell's Alex Trebek in the Celebrity Jeopardy sketches from Saturday Night Live. Say something that makes sense, anything at all, and you can win this nomination. What's that you say? Fund a moon colony? Jesus.

Hoping you're the first and last colonist we send to the moon,




Anonymous said...

Peeps thought it was crazy to go to the moon too Mr Starnes. Is this how people justify NoBama (no vision) puttin NASA out of commission? Newton's vision of how to create a successful space program is what's impressive. Giving people a vision of a new and bright future is exciting and yes, it would be bad ass to be one of the 13,000 in the moon colony. Don't lie and say it wouldn't be. It's not about how rediculius it sounds. It's about having goals. It's about having dreams. And tie that vision to a keen business sense and BAM, We have jobs and sponsors and donors and excited minds. To the moon it is. Sign me up for the first lot. I'd like to build on it.

Rachel said...

Oh, Newt. Have you seen the picture of him back in the day where he's a dead ringer for Dwight Shrute? Now there's someone with vision. Beet dispenser machines in all high school cafeterias! Seriously though, the moon colony? I think someone was just spitballing on the question, "What's in Florida?" "Gators... orange trees... former Cubans... NASA! Gold! Let's build a moon colony!" I can see the glimmer of strategy behind it-- vision, Kennedy, revitalize jobs-- but I think at this moment in the race for the nomination, it was an undisciplined step that's going to cost him. Plus he needs to reign in his constant Reagan name-dropping. It's like a verbal tic for him now, and just as meaningless.

Pancho said...

Anonymous, call me a liar, but it would not be awesome to live on the moon. Honeymoon on the moon? Clever. Live on the moon? Jail sentence.

Thank you, you've unintentionally made my day. I'm now imagining Newt Gingrich in a Willy Wonka costume singing "A World of Pure Imagination." It's hilarious. Seriously. Try it!

Also, I'm using "rediculius" from now on. It's like a Don King version of "ridiculous." The fun never stops!!!!

Pancho said...

Rachels are my favorite.

Audrey said...

Gah! You ARE a hater! I mean, I don't like him either. But, my dislike stems from the radical evangelism that threatens Roe v. Wade and bitch slaps us with the infringement (or cessation) of same-sex rights while he sleeps with his hottest intern. C'mon, space camp? That's a breath of fresh air! Do you really think Obama will win? So, it's between jerk GOP or Prince John disguised as Robin Hood (no, I'm not anxious to hike Capital Gains and Inheritance taxes to 50% - that's f-ing ridiculous). But, taxes are the lesser of the two evils...

Pancho said...

Audrey, you just blew my mind. A Republican woman who supports Roe v Wade?! I'm flummoxed. That's like a Democrat who wants to hand out free guns. Or a Southern Baptist marching in a gay marriage rally. You're a rare breed.

Do I think Obama will win? If he doesn't, I may quit my job, take my UK citizenship, and leave. It's not that he would lose, but that the roster of potential winners were Obama to lose is like a Who's Who of bad jokes.

Agreed on the taxes thing, but I'd take it a bit further. Each should give according to his means. Holding on to your millions means nothing if the gap between you and the poor is so massive that the poor want to eat you...and historically, they will.

Audre said...

First, you're right - I don't want to be eaten alive, rare and skewered by the poor. But, then again, I'm not a millionaire either. So, we'll compromise. Keep the estate tax down and raise capital gains (since that is a source of income for most wealthy). Second, I'm offended that being conservative and Republican in rights means I have to support evangelical radicalism. I have the right NOT to be told what I can do with my body and the right to choose to marry anyone – just like I have the right to bear arms and shoot any MFer that barges into my house with evil intentions. States should get to set the parameters. If I didn't like Texas, I could go to California or Massachusetts. Republican means LESS federal government butting into my life. It means protecting me from church and state ruling together over me. Unfortunately, the GOP has it backwards. If you force your beliefs on someone, they’re not really believing. They’re resentful and they blame Christianity. It has the opposite effect. Newt is nuts, Romney is a snake and Obama floats around giving speeches and looking pretty with no backbone.

Audrey said...

Also, I apparently can't even spell my own name. Tard. And what makes you so sure I'm a Republican voter?

Pancho said...


Call it a hunch. ;)