Thursday, May 13, 2010


So, I was thinking today (because I have plenty of time in my current state to think of all manner of ridiculous stuff) who was the marketing whiz who decided to name America's Number One Condom Trojan? I mean, it's a fine product and all, but Trojan? Is that really the best name for a product designed to prevent pregnancy and protect against sexually transmitted infections?

There are two ways to look at this, I suppose.

1:The Female Prespective- America's Number One Condom is named after the massive wooden horse that was accepted as a gift by the City of Troy thinking it a sign that the ludicrously long Trojan War was over. In reality, said horse housed Odysseus and his buddies who snuck out in the middle of the night while the Trojans were drunk and sexed up, unlocked the gates of the city, and let in the entire Greek army to murder the bejesus out of them and burn the city to the ground.

I don't know about you, but if I'm a member of the fairer sex I don't want my man's condom acting all safe and secure and then unleashing sperm, bacteria, or viruses into my "secure city" when I think all is right with the world, never mind the massive wooden horse part. Ouch.

2: The Male Perspective...or maybe it's the Less Female Perspective (I haven't thought that far ahead yet).
America's Number One Condom is named after the Trojans themselves. First of all, Paris was a bitch and I'm pretty sure no self respecting guy with a condom wants to be thought of that way. Second, Hector was pretty badass, but he still got killed by Achilles. Third, Helen was almost certainly the hottest young lady in the Ancient World, but was she really worth it? I mean, she caused an epic war with massive casualties that culminated in the utter destruction of the entire city.

For a condom that's supposed to facilitate safe, relatively consequence free sex (at least physically) the aforementioned marketing whiz seems not to have picked the most desireable name. What about Ft. Knox Condoms? Or Citadel Condoms? Or even Spartan Condoms if they were dead set on the Ancient World theme?

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