Wednesday, May 21, 2008

I Am I Said or Am I Cracking Up?

Something broke for me a few weeks ago and it was a good thing. I've been stuck in a six year rut and I'm finally serious about getting out of it, but that's for another post and a more serious frame of mind. This morning I've been singing Neil Diamond songs and not to no one in particular.

I woke up early with errands to run before heading off to work this afternoon. The most pressing of these tasks was to take Mazzy Pants to the vet followed closely by purchasing the most nuclear strength Liquid Plumber money can buy. I'm tired of watching my whiskers float around in a shaving creamy bog of warm water in the basin of my sink knowing that I'll have to come back later and flush and wipe the detritus away.

It was a glorious morning, cool and sunny. Mazzy Pants gleefully slobbered out the window of the car on our way to the vet, unaware that within the hour she would have a fecal wand unceremoniously thrust in her pooper, multiple vaccines peppered around her shoulders, blood drawn, and that nasty bordetella gunk sprayed up her nose. She performed swimmingly and even showed off for the vet and the grooming ladies who have no idea what a bitch she can be. She has her moments.

At the grocery store I bought my Liquid Plumber and returned to the car where Mazzy was waiting in the passenger seat. As I sat down I eyed the newly chewed lid of my coffee cup and then had the following one-sided conversation with Mazzy. She's smart, but she can't talk.

Me: I am, I said! [That's right. The Neil Diamond song]

Mazzy: Confused and slightly alarmed look.

Me: I am, I cried!

Mazzy: Whimper.

Me: Mazzy, no one wants dog in their coffee. No one goes into Starbucks and says, "I would like a grande bold with room for dog." That just doesn't happen.

Mazzy: Stares

Me: Oh, you're out of Verona? How about Golden Retriever? Do you have any of that?

Mazzy: Shifting in her seat and looking out the window

Me: No one hears not even the chair!

I took the lid off my coffee cup and finished the rest sans dog slobber, but I didn't let up on the Neil. Mazzy, embarrassed, stuck her head further out the window as I launched into "Sweet Caroline," but she couldn't escape. I was on a roll and I was cracking myself up.

This is the most ridiculous post ever.


Rachel said...

"This is the most ridiculous blog post ever."

And yet I enjoyed the hell out of it. There's something wonderful and immediate about the way you build scene (snotty MFA term) here. I love the dialog.

Also, did you know I despise Neil Diamond? True. But I despise Barry Manilow even more.

Ross used to sing "Mandy" and replace the eponymous title with "Diederich," one of our buddies, and eventually it caught on in the squadron and people would sing it quietly to themselves in the ready room. "Oh, Diederrich, you came and you gave without taking...but I sent you away, oh, Diederich..."

K said...

I had to switch to grande bold after they got rid of my delicious grande mild in lieu of that crap Pike Place whatever. Harrumph.

Anyway...welcome back! My dog has been known to tear the lid OFF the coffee and drink the entire cup within the span of two minutes. You simply can't leave coffee with dogs. It's like liquid crack to them. :)

K said...

Reading about your floating whiskers and Neil Diamond fetish week after week is beginning to bore me, Douglas.

An American in Aland said...

agreed. neeeeext.